It went so fast

     On January 27th at 7:10am I watched the love of my life take his last breath!

We called Hospice into our home and within about 2 weeks Jason was gone. My warrior could not fight any longer......I miss him every day!

In Jason's final weeks he had many visitors! His brother Mike came up from Dallas to spend a few days with him. More family and many friends came by.....in his final days he made sure to talk to all his kids, the ones we gave birth to and the many that joined our family over the years. My hope is that they remember all the words of wisdom he shared with them. Not just in is final days, but from the many years of coaching them.

My mom, sister and I slept in the living room with Jason his final night. We took turns sitting up with him and telling him how much we loved him. At about 7am my mom woke me to say she thought it was almost time. I still remember the panic I felt. How could this be it? How could we be at the end of OUR story? I was next to Jason holding his hand as he passed. I would not change that for anything! Just after he passed we woke Jason's mom and the kids. I hated the look on their faces and THAT I would give ANYTHING to forget!

We had a few hours before the funeral home would be there to pick Jason up. I found it hard to leave him. I knew it could be the last time I saw his handsome face in our home. When the funeral home showed up I went into a panic. I don't think I even realized it. I saw them walk in the door and I just freaked. I said goodbye and left the room so they could take him.

My next step was making it in the front door of the funeral home to make preparations for Jason's visitation and funeral. I think my mom and my sister Kim pretty much pulled me along with them.  Was it easy making all these decisions?  NO! Did Spring Grove do everything in their power to make is easier on me? YES! I'm not sure how I would have made it through this with out the amazing funeral director we had. She was so kind but not hovering! Jason had one request, he wanted a green casket. He got one very beautiful green casket! Along with it was gold trim and navy blue in his flower arrangement....He had a nice Notre Dame theme. My guy loved him some Notre Dame!

The day of the visitation I think I was just floating through.....I was not really there. Seeing Jason i his casket was not as hard as I thought it would be. It didn't look like him and that really helped! If it looked the man I knew and loved.....I don't think I would have been able to leave him. We had a 3 hour visitation and there was a line out the door all night! I am so very grateful for everyone that made it! I can't tell you who was there....but there were A LOT of people! The night is such a blur to me.

The following morning was Jason's funeral. Jason's brother Mike took time to speak. The memories he shared made everyone laugh and cry. He did an amazing job of sharing his life with Jason with everyone there. One of the boys Jason coached got up and read a letter he had written to Jason. He wanted to give it to him himself but ran out of time. I did read it to Jason when he was still with us.  Also Jason's father George got up and spoke. George is not Jason's blood father but he is his dad in every sense of the word! George was there for Jason from the age of 2 until his last breath. They were the world to each other! After the service was over it took quite awhile to get all his "boys" out of the room. To watch these teenage kids show the pain in their hearts with each other was painful and refreshing! I hope they know that Jason is proud of each one of them and that he will always be there with them.

We buried Jason next to my grandfather.  I will be buried with him when it's my time.  He is at the top of a hill and has a tree near him. It's a beautiful spot.  I remember asking him if it was ok to go there...we were gifted the spot from my mom to save money.  He looked me in my eyes and said he was fine with where ever he was, as long as I was ok with it.

So it's been 20 days now without my love. I have good days and bad days.  I have days where I am mad.....so mad!  Most of the time I don't feel like it's real.  I'll go out and see something and think, "I can't wait to tell Jason this!" and then I realize that he's not at home waiting for me.  I guess it would make more sense to say I have good hours and bad. I get so many different emotions throughout the day.

I have been trying to get our house back to a "normal" routine for the kids. It took Faith longer than the boys to go back to school. She's back now and trying to get caught up on all the work, as is the boys.  I have been going through Jason's things.....not easy. I have a hat he wore almost every day that I put in a plastic bag. When I am feeling really lonely and missing him I get it out and take a big deep breath.  It does help.

So many people have showed my family love over the past years and most importantly over the last few weeks. We have had donations made to our fundraising page and dinners dropped off. I didn't realize how much that would help! Trying to get bills and other expenses taken care of is made possible thanks to so many people's kind donations. THANK YOU!

The kids school and staff have been very supportive and great with the kids! Lakota is such a great community! The support given to ALL the kids after Jason's death is overwhelming! He touched so many peoples lives!

I don't think there is a good way to end this blog entry, so I will end it with this.

First and foremost......CANCER SUCKS!

Hug your friends and family! Tell them you love them, today is a gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed! Leave nothing unsaid and make amends! Nothing is worth leaving this world unresolved.

busy busy busy

Man oh man is life flying by!!!

Jason got his scan back the day before Christmas Eve. It would be one of 2 things......YAY it's shrinking or DAMN it's not. Well, it was damn.  Jason's cancer is not only growing, it's spreading. The tumor in his neck is growing around the back of his neck and the tumor in his lungs is growing down and toward his spine. Crap crap crap!  Way to go into the holiday weekend.

First I will tell you this, Jason is a fighter!! He will not give up.....but he is getting tired of fighting. Who can blame him? He is in constant pain, even with all his pain meds. This past week we went to Mercy Fairfield to have a feeding tube placed. Surgery went well and I am getting at least 4 meal supplements in him a day. Hopefully this will help him gain a little weight back. Currently Jason is down to 140lbs.

Tuesday we are heading to B North bright and early! He has to be there at 5:30 for a 7:30 biopsy.  Dr Chua hand picked this surgeon and has talked to him about Jason and his tumor. Apparently the last biopsy was nothing but dead cells. He knows that he needs to be VERY careful and has to get live cancer cells. This biopsy will be sent away to foundation 1 testing. They will test several different treatments on it and see if anything works.

We are also waiting for the Dr to call about getting a nerve block. They called and asked Jason 30 minutes of questions that all answered each other.  It was very annoying! My poor guy could hardly hold the phone up and they could care less. She wouldn't even talk to me.

My mom will be back home on the 9th. I'm glad, I miss having her here. She helps me so much mentally.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and here's to finding a cure in 2017!

What round is this anyway???

     My guy hurts!!!  I'm so tired of watching him try to hide the pain.  Jason has lost almost all function in his left arm now. He has to hold it when he walks and he gets horrible pain in it.

     Sunday night we spent the night in the ER. At about 7pm Jason was taking his meds when one pill got stuck in his throat. He did not chose on it, it just didn't go all the way down. He was able to breathe but not eat or drink anything. At 1am he decided it was time to go to the hospital and see what they can do.
     I get that with each new person that comes in our room they need to know what they are dealing with......but there has to be a better way than for us to explain it over and over! Anyway, they took him for a CT and the woman man handled his head.....not good! If he told me this before she left the room, I would have handled it! The CT showed that the pill had gone down, but the sensation of it being there could still be bothering him. He tried some water and it stayed down!!! By 6:30am we were back home and in bed. Jason now has a pain patch and liquid pain meds.

     Today we went to Jewish hospital for his PET scan. The nurse was AMAZING! She told Jason that his comfort was most important! She put 2 pads down and propped his head up! He said it was so nice that he slept through the 20 minute scan! Our drug store is working on getting some of the meds Jason needs....but for some reason they don't want to let this location stock the meds. The pharmacist is doing extra paperwork to try to get it. What does this mean? It means we drove to Colerain in rush hour to get his pain meds!

     While waiting for his meds, the GI dr called to set up an appointment to have a feeding tube placed. Jason will have that done Tuesday December 27th. Hopefully that makes it easier to get some extra nutrients in him.

     We hope that everyone reading this blog has a very blessed Christmas and Happy New Year. From our family to yours! Enjoy every minute, waste nothing and ALWAYS tell the people you love....that you love them! Leave nothing unsaid! <3 p="">

And the hits keep coming....

I'm done with this roller coaster!  Can I get off now?

Jason has been having more and more pain in his neck around where the tumor is. He is taking more pain meds and nerve meds, with no relief. Last week Jason talked to Dr Chua about his pain and she sent him straight to Jewish hospital to have an ultrasound done on his neck.  After the ultrasound he went back to Dr. Chua's office and found out it was clear. Next step was a CT scan. He left her office and the hospital called saying to head right over.

Dr Chua was trying to tie up all the lose ends before she headed out of town, so things were going fast. That night at 7pm I missed a call from Dr Chua herself!! That immediately sent an uneasy feeling through me! We tried to call back but got the answering service who were no help. Jason would call the next day.

So now we are at "the next day".  CRAP!  The tumor in his neck has gotten larger and now there are spots back in BOTH lungs! Why can't we catch a break?????

Telling the kids was not fun!  My poor kids have been through so much. I hate to have to break their hearts.  So, here we go again!  Back on the 3 chemo treatments.

I'm at a loss.

Vacation

We got home from a week in Cocoa Beach Florida on Saturday night.  It was a great break!  Jason enjoyed sitting on the balcony and got to spend a day on the beach with us thanks to a friend who let us borrow a beach tent.

For the most part we just hung around and enjoyed the down time. That is vacation to us. The Friday before we left we went out for dinner, putt putt and ice cream. Jason was not feeling well so he skipped putt putt. His loss! WE HELD ALLIGATORS! We picked him up after and went out for ice cream. He got a milk shake and then really started missing his UDF milkshakes. LOL

The car ride was interesting. 5 people shoved into Jason's small Civic.... Jason was not able to drive as long as he thought he would and when he did, so I drove. AND I STAYED AWAKE FOR IT! That is huge for me!

Now that we are back home Jason will go back to his regular treatment. He is going to talk to the Dr about his issues though. He has been having a hard time swallowing and he chokes on his food a lot. I'm hoping they move his scan up so we can see whats going on. He is currently at treatment now....so hopefully later today we will have an idea of what is in store for us next.

Noah started a new job and so far he likes it. He is working for a commercial window cleaning place. No high rises for him, the highest he goes is with a ladder.

XOXO