Reading

Last night I was at the YMCA walking my butt off on the treadmill. I decided it was as good a time as ever to start reading a book I recently downloaded on my Kindle app. "My Spouse Has Cancer, Now What?"

Let me start out by saying...my first impression.....OH MY GOSH THIS LADY IS IN MY HEAD! There were so many feelings and thoughts that she hit so close to mine! Maybe we (spouses of those with cancer) all feel pretty much the same! You have these feelings, things you never want to say out loud. Feelings that you can't help but feel and know they would look horrible or selfish if you said them.

I had to stop reading it while at the gym because it was hitting me so hard that I started to cry. I don't want people thinking the treadmill made me cry! ;)

It's hard to voice my thoughts, ones I don't feel like I should be having. Some that scare the crap out of me. I love Jason with all my heart and I will do anything I can for him.....but sometimes it's just too much! Sometimes I want to crawl into a little hole and pretend that my life is not like this. My husband is not sick and sleeping in a recliner in the living room every night. He's not losing function of his arm, he's not hurting so much that I cant really hug him. I'm a touchy feely person. I hug! It's horrible to not be able to hug my husband. To not get to lay on the bed with him and have my head on his chest. All the little things that we used to take for granted....we can no longer do.

Jason has beat cancer before....many times! Fingers crossed and many prayers he can beat it this time too. But every time he beats it....it takes a part of him with it. A part that I will never get back.

Take time and hug your spouse...hold their hand....lay with them....don't take a minute for granted! You are not guaranteed tomorrow and you are not guaranteed that it will be like yesterday!

People can be mean...

Last night Jason made his regular trip to UDF for his milkshake. While there he said there was a teenage boy and his girlfriend also getting ice cream. The boy kept looking back at Jason and then whispering to his girl. Then he turns and says out loud......"Look at this guy here! He's weird looking! Just look at him! Weird!"  One of the workers who knows Jason well turned and went off on the boy. Saying he has no idea what Jason is going through, that he is fighting stage 4 cancer and he needs to learn respect. He did apologise to Jason, but the hurt already happened. I felt so sorry for him. How could anyone be that rude to say that???

Today was a treatment day. Jason seems to be in pretty good spirits. He came home to rest and just left to go into work for a little bit.

I have such a strong and amazing man! He goes through hell and back and still keeps moving!

Where are we now?

I have been horrible at keeping this blog going!! I will try to do better!

Jason went back to Chicago for treatment on the tumor in his neck. After several treatments it was not working so we went back to Dr Chua for some more options.

The treatment Dr Chua came up with is a big one! Her words...."I'm throwing the kitchen sink at you!"

Every week Jason will be receiving Erbitux, and every 3rd week she will add Taxol and Carboplatin to the Erbitux. That is 3 cancer treatments in one!

Several weeks into treatment.....IT'S WORKING! The tumor is shrinking! Now for the other stuff. His hair is almost all gone...no biggie. The Erbitux has caused him to break out really bad. His poor head is the worst! Scabs all over and they hurt. The Taxol is killing the nerves and in turn causing Jason to lose function of his left arm. (He's left handed) All minor when in exchange for his life...but it has really been weighing hard on him. He struggles every day and I see it breaking his mental well being.

The kids are hanging in there. Obviously the news of the tumor shrinking helped with that. Faith has made a team for their schools relay for life event. It's nice to see all the kids that are around us as our "family" sign up to walk. It's going to be a great event! Just working on getting all the kids $100 in donations. Faith has already raised $140!!

Walking Warriors Relay for Life team page

You can also purchase a Lumineria with your loved ones name printed on it!

Treatment tomorrow.

Have a great day!