It went so fast

     On January 27th at 7:10am I watched the love of my life take his last breath!

We called Hospice into our home and within about 2 weeks Jason was gone. My warrior could not fight any longer......I miss him every day!

In Jason's final weeks he had many visitors! His brother Mike came up from Dallas to spend a few days with him. More family and many friends came by.....in his final days he made sure to talk to all his kids, the ones we gave birth to and the many that joined our family over the years. My hope is that they remember all the words of wisdom he shared with them. Not just in is final days, but from the many years of coaching them.

My mom, sister and I slept in the living room with Jason his final night. We took turns sitting up with him and telling him how much we loved him. At about 7am my mom woke me to say she thought it was almost time. I still remember the panic I felt. How could this be it? How could we be at the end of OUR story? I was next to Jason holding his hand as he passed. I would not change that for anything! Just after he passed we woke Jason's mom and the kids. I hated the look on their faces and THAT I would give ANYTHING to forget!

We had a few hours before the funeral home would be there to pick Jason up. I found it hard to leave him. I knew it could be the last time I saw his handsome face in our home. When the funeral home showed up I went into a panic. I don't think I even realized it. I saw them walk in the door and I just freaked. I said goodbye and left the room so they could take him.

My next step was making it in the front door of the funeral home to make preparations for Jason's visitation and funeral. I think my mom and my sister Kim pretty much pulled me along with them.  Was it easy making all these decisions?  NO! Did Spring Grove do everything in their power to make is easier on me? YES! I'm not sure how I would have made it through this with out the amazing funeral director we had. She was so kind but not hovering! Jason had one request, he wanted a green casket. He got one very beautiful green casket! Along with it was gold trim and navy blue in his flower arrangement....He had a nice Notre Dame theme. My guy loved him some Notre Dame!

The day of the visitation I think I was just floating through.....I was not really there. Seeing Jason i his casket was not as hard as I thought it would be. It didn't look like him and that really helped! If it looked the man I knew and loved.....I don't think I would have been able to leave him. We had a 3 hour visitation and there was a line out the door all night! I am so very grateful for everyone that made it! I can't tell you who was there....but there were A LOT of people! The night is such a blur to me.

The following morning was Jason's funeral. Jason's brother Mike took time to speak. The memories he shared made everyone laugh and cry. He did an amazing job of sharing his life with Jason with everyone there. One of the boys Jason coached got up and read a letter he had written to Jason. He wanted to give it to him himself but ran out of time. I did read it to Jason when he was still with us.  Also Jason's father George got up and spoke. George is not Jason's blood father but he is his dad in every sense of the word! George was there for Jason from the age of 2 until his last breath. They were the world to each other! After the service was over it took quite awhile to get all his "boys" out of the room. To watch these teenage kids show the pain in their hearts with each other was painful and refreshing! I hope they know that Jason is proud of each one of them and that he will always be there with them.

We buried Jason next to my grandfather.  I will be buried with him when it's my time.  He is at the top of a hill and has a tree near him. It's a beautiful spot.  I remember asking him if it was ok to go there...we were gifted the spot from my mom to save money.  He looked me in my eyes and said he was fine with where ever he was, as long as I was ok with it.

So it's been 20 days now without my love. I have good days and bad days.  I have days where I am mad.....so mad!  Most of the time I don't feel like it's real.  I'll go out and see something and think, "I can't wait to tell Jason this!" and then I realize that he's not at home waiting for me.  I guess it would make more sense to say I have good hours and bad. I get so many different emotions throughout the day.

I have been trying to get our house back to a "normal" routine for the kids. It took Faith longer than the boys to go back to school. She's back now and trying to get caught up on all the work, as is the boys.  I have been going through Jason's things.....not easy. I have a hat he wore almost every day that I put in a plastic bag. When I am feeling really lonely and missing him I get it out and take a big deep breath.  It does help.

So many people have showed my family love over the past years and most importantly over the last few weeks. We have had donations made to our fundraising page and dinners dropped off. I didn't realize how much that would help! Trying to get bills and other expenses taken care of is made possible thanks to so many people's kind donations. THANK YOU!

The kids school and staff have been very supportive and great with the kids! Lakota is such a great community! The support given to ALL the kids after Jason's death is overwhelming! He touched so many peoples lives!

I don't think there is a good way to end this blog entry, so I will end it with this.

First and foremost......CANCER SUCKS!

Hug your friends and family! Tell them you love them, today is a gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed! Leave nothing unsaid and make amends! Nothing is worth leaving this world unresolved.

busy busy busy

Man oh man is life flying by!!!

Jason got his scan back the day before Christmas Eve. It would be one of 2 things......YAY it's shrinking or DAMN it's not. Well, it was damn.  Jason's cancer is not only growing, it's spreading. The tumor in his neck is growing around the back of his neck and the tumor in his lungs is growing down and toward his spine. Crap crap crap!  Way to go into the holiday weekend.

First I will tell you this, Jason is a fighter!! He will not give up.....but he is getting tired of fighting. Who can blame him? He is in constant pain, even with all his pain meds. This past week we went to Mercy Fairfield to have a feeding tube placed. Surgery went well and I am getting at least 4 meal supplements in him a day. Hopefully this will help him gain a little weight back. Currently Jason is down to 140lbs.

Tuesday we are heading to B North bright and early! He has to be there at 5:30 for a 7:30 biopsy.  Dr Chua hand picked this surgeon and has talked to him about Jason and his tumor. Apparently the last biopsy was nothing but dead cells. He knows that he needs to be VERY careful and has to get live cancer cells. This biopsy will be sent away to foundation 1 testing. They will test several different treatments on it and see if anything works.

We are also waiting for the Dr to call about getting a nerve block. They called and asked Jason 30 minutes of questions that all answered each other.  It was very annoying! My poor guy could hardly hold the phone up and they could care less. She wouldn't even talk to me.

My mom will be back home on the 9th. I'm glad, I miss having her here. She helps me so much mentally.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and here's to finding a cure in 2017!