Reading

Last night I was at the YMCA walking my butt off on the treadmill. I decided it was as good a time as ever to start reading a book I recently downloaded on my Kindle app. "My Spouse Has Cancer, Now What?"

Let me start out by saying...my first impression.....OH MY GOSH THIS LADY IS IN MY HEAD! There were so many feelings and thoughts that she hit so close to mine! Maybe we (spouses of those with cancer) all feel pretty much the same! You have these feelings, things you never want to say out loud. Feelings that you can't help but feel and know they would look horrible or selfish if you said them.

I had to stop reading it while at the gym because it was hitting me so hard that I started to cry. I don't want people thinking the treadmill made me cry! ;)

It's hard to voice my thoughts, ones I don't feel like I should be having. Some that scare the crap out of me. I love Jason with all my heart and I will do anything I can for him.....but sometimes it's just too much! Sometimes I want to crawl into a little hole and pretend that my life is not like this. My husband is not sick and sleeping in a recliner in the living room every night. He's not losing function of his arm, he's not hurting so much that I cant really hug him. I'm a touchy feely person. I hug! It's horrible to not be able to hug my husband. To not get to lay on the bed with him and have my head on his chest. All the little things that we used to take for granted....we can no longer do.

Jason has beat cancer before....many times! Fingers crossed and many prayers he can beat it this time too. But every time he beats it....it takes a part of him with it. A part that I will never get back.

Take time and hug your spouse...hold their hand....lay with them....don't take a minute for granted! You are not guaranteed tomorrow and you are not guaranteed that it will be like yesterday!